How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam"
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out
of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He had his
father sit on a sofa in the lobby while he went to confer with the
administrators.
The old man tilted slowly to the left, and a nurse came by and piled
several pillows at his left side to keep him upright.
The old man then tilted slowly to the right, and an orderly came by and
piled several pillows at his right side to keep him upright.
Then the old man started to lean forward, and a doctor came by and piled
several pillows in front of him.
About this time, the son returned and said "Well, this is a nice place,
isn't it Dad?"
The old man replied "well, I guess its ok, but they won't let me fart"
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one
afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her
Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a
little
tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the
water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely
Miss Bea had flipped or something...! But he certainly
couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could
resist
no longer.
"Miss Bea", he said, " I wonder if you would tell me about
this", (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes", she replied, " Isn't it wonderful? I was walking
downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it
on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And
you know, I think it's working
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a Rectal
thermometer?
The taste.
Scared in the Night
------------------------------------
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the
light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you
sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring
hug. "I can't dear", she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying,
"The big sissy."
God created woman, and she had 3 breasts. He said to the woman,
"Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?"
She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"
God snapped his fingers and it was done.
She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand, "What am I going
to do with this useless boob?"
And God created man!
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a Rectal
thermometer?
The taste.
THE ELECTRIC TRAIN
A few days after christmas, a mother working in the kitchen was listening to
her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the
hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop ... and all of you sons of bitches
who are gettin' on, get your asses in the train, 'cause we're leaving!" The
mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this
house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out,
you may play with your train. But I want you to use nicer language..
Two hours later, her son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his
train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All
passenger who are disemparking the train, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope that you
will ride with us again soon. For those of you just boarding, we ask that
you stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no
smoking except in the club car. We hope that you will all have a pleasant and
relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because
of the two hour delay, Please see the bitch in the kitchen!!"
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a
young man
walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man
answers,
"I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand.
Every
morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunch time she
comes
home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In
the
afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral
sex, the
best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night
long, we
make love."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It
sounds like
you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I
live."
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly
confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to
shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran
as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge
of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing
in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his
arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some
'religion'!"
The sky darkened and there were lightning in the air. Just a
few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop,
and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said,
"Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jokes courtesy of LAUGHaDAY.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.
What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post
office?
They're hiring.
s
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up
your things. I just won the lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the
house by noon!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Funny but True.....
IDIOTS AT WORK...
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when
the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the
back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not
complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When
I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare
the signature on the credit card with the signature I just
signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front
of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I
signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate,
I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic.
My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that
he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just
south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health &
Safety Handbook for Employees:""Blink your eyelids periodically
to lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor
call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason:
Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted
them to cross there.
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when
they have problems with their computers. One night he got a
call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this
question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you
guys have a fire downtown?"
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented
that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My
lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I
explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not
the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very
disappointed.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce,"
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with
wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying"
was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy
button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling
a lie. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the
suspect confessed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question: "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"
Answer:
Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he
averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming $40 million in endorsements
next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while
visions
of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while
he's
there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike).
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would
take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
"reimbursed" $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax
deferred account (401k), he will have hit the federal cap of $9500 for such
accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1998.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be
living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy
Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents
for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?
But...
Jordan would have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to
have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.
Nerds win!!!!
There was a girl named Mary. There was three boys to named sam,Chris ,and
Ryan.
One day after school the boys asked Mary to climb up the flagpole . After that
she went home and told her mom. Here mom said,"They just want to see your
underwear."
The next day the boys asked Mary to climb the flagpole again. After that she
went home and told her mom . Her mom said,"Itold you they just want to see
your underwear,'' Then Mary said ,''exactly,I didn't wear any today...
